Goings on (external and internal)

External...
**Things are going just swell here in the village. We had another stakeholder meeting about a week ago and i am feeling pretty posi, as Masha would say, about the event. We presented the business plan, talked about our concerns with time, and put it to the stakeholders to decide whether to carry on with the full event. They were all very responsive and agreed that we should have the event on one day, and we would all take responsibility for it. So we've split up all the tasks and everyone is on board and i think it could be a success! We have our next meeting coming up next week where we will all report back to one another on the progress we've made, so Ill keep you updated.

** Things are also going splendidly with the lay counselors. I have missed some meetings what with promoting the health carnival event to other stakeholders, but we have started holding committee meetings, where I teach them about strategic planning. We had our first meeting this week and they were quite receptive and keen on learning and taking the necessary time to create a well thought out strategic plan. We are all looking forward to getting trained by Childline in July.

** and things are moving right along with opening the youth centre on Saturdays! We just got six new volunteers at the centre and they have some great ideas. We are hoping to start a debate team, a kickboxing class, sports, and ultimate dancing on Saturdays. Yaebo!

** my lovely flush toilet is currently out of order because the water keeps going out so often. So now i have the pleasure or keepin' it real like all the other PCVs. By this, of course, I am referring to the incredible opportunity to poop in a bucket after dark and disposing of it in the pit toilet when the sun shines through my window in the morning. I suppose this 'goings on' could fit in either the external or internal category, depending on your viewpoint... Ill let you ponder that...

internal...
** My holiday vacation is about a week away now, and I am incredibly excited about it, but when breaks come around, I always ask myself, "why do we need breaks?" If we feel like we need breaks all the time, ie, if we are so stressed with our lives that we need to escape, then somethings gotta change.. our perceptions, our attitude, our life, our job, something. So i started asking myself , ' why am I stressed? what part of living is making me feel so uncomfortable right now that i feel like i cant do anything but squeeze myself through some crack in the wall and escape? " I was so focused on taking a break that every person, everything in between me and that crack in the wall was incredibly bothersome and annoying... oh, man, what an awful way to let yourself go on feeling! So decided to that that not be so and change my perception. Ive been meditating at home, but i started walking meditation on the way to and from work. When i meditate, i focus on breathing in negative energy, transforming that into positive energy, and then breathing that right back out. It has changed my interactions with people and all of my surroundings. It has helped me be more aware, more relaxed, more open to the experience of the moment, whether or not i perceive it as positive or negative at first, because i know I can decide how the experience enters my senses and effects me. Instead of blocking things out avoiding situations, this has allowed me take everything in. Try this at home, kids!

oh, and you know that there really is no external and internal, right? Those are just illusions, boxes made out of nice, neat, straight lines that we think we need to create in order to understand things. I'm just being silly, talking about things external of me and internally within me. Everything is onething.

Much love,
Bontle

O tla batla go dira eng ke future?- Ga ke itse!

For me, in these beginner stages of learning how to live in the present, it seems easier if I can say to myself that I dont know what will happen in the future... I've had my entire life planned out since now so its difficult for me. So ive been trying to think of some different possibilities that maybe I could do after Peace Corps.. and ok, i know, its still sorta like making a list, but its a start for me!

I'm thinking maybe I could:
** take my post-bacc classes and the MCATS and apply for med school
** apply for grad school to be a nurse practioner
**Work for an international NGO in Switzerland, Denmark, Amsterdam, Sweden
**Make my comeback in the dance world! I miss ballet sooooo much and Ive been doing a lot of stretching and pilates type stuff, so maybe I can take the dance world by storm! (or at least get a part-time job and dance with a pre-professional company for a year or two)

(putting asteriks instead of numbers makes me feel like its less of a list)

Maybe Ill do all of these! Maybe Ill do none of these! The point is that for the first time in my life, coming up with many different options that are all on equal footing is allowing me to say, " I dont know what Ill be doing two years from now, and thats ok. Because Ill be doing something amazing, and Im doing something amazing right now!" I catch myself trying to plan out each scenario in my head, what it would be like, what I'd need to do.. but when i catch myself doing that i just say," i dont know!" I'm trying to make that my mantra these days... and everytime i say it, for the first time, I feel a strange sense of calm and acceptance, which is something i have never really experienced before in regards to not knowing how my future would work out.

Hopefully some day I will be able to live in the present- to live with intention every moment- and also live with direction, without letting direction fully take control over my life like its done in the past. But for right now, I'm focusing on living in the present, on living intentionally every moment here in South Africa...

kisskiss- Bontle

Viva, Youth, Viva! Viva, jika-ma-jika, Viva!

Hello All,
This weekend i went to Freedom Park in Pretoria with the volunteers from the Youth Centre ( which, of course I had approved leave from my PC supervisor). While i was waiting for the combi ( taxi) to pick me up, I tried to take some pictures of my village..

This is my street!



This is the tar road!

Freedom Park is a memorial to the Freedom Fighters and the Anti-Apartheid movement. The park was hosting an event for Youth Day, a South African holiday. There were over 100 youth there, mostly bused in from surrounding villages and townships near Pretoria. Of course, me and the other PCV were the only white people at the event.

The event centered around discussions of how the Youth can move forward with the ideas of freedom and a non-racist, non-sexist country that there forefathers gave their lives to help secure. The youth in South Africa today are viewed very negatively by the older generations... they are referred to as "born-frees" and seen as being politically apathetic and taking for granted the freedom previous generations won for them. It is something that has confronted us volunteers since the moment we arrived in South Africa, and it is very difficult to deal with. Many adults in SA view the youth as trouble makers, as being lazy, stubborn, and naughty. Since Apartheid ended and the government sought to have equality for all, many policies on child's rights came into effect. Many older generations blame these new laws protecting the rights of the child for the problems among the youth, because they feel like they are unable to discipline their children without being accused of child abuse. .. since the old ( and still used) method of discipline is violence. Their beef is that the youth abuses their rights without knowing their responsibilities. Corporal punishment is still a HUGE problem in schools, and the older generations have not been taught how to discipline children and youth in healthy ways without resulting to violence, so its a big issue and Im doing a really kak ( Afrikaans for shit!) job of explaining the problem because it is sooo big and so complicated.. Mainly what I want to say is that its not solely the youth that is the problem, there are issues on both sides to contribute to the violence, delinquency, and risky sexual behavior among the youth. And there are a ton of really amazing, really motivated youth who want to make a difference in this country and who are doing what they can, against many, many odds and little support to do just that.

The discussions were long and they went two hours over lunch, so after a while we all had a difficult time paying attention over the noises our stomachs were making. But when it was over and we had all eaten, they played house music, which is very popular in South Africa and is always blaring at all hours of the day across the country, and cleared some space for people to dance. The popular style of dance for black South Africans is called jiveing, or jika-ma-jika. Its really awesome and I've been trying to learn so that I'll have some new dance moves for Lauren's wedding. So after a brief dance lesson from my friend and a second of hesitation, i entered the dance floor and began to show off my moves.... everyone went insane and started yelling and cheering me on! They were soooo surprised to see a white person dancing with them in their style. They formed a circle around me and people on the outskirts ran over to see the Leghoa ( white person) dance. They started dancing with me, and we were all laughing and hollering and hootin! You could feel all this racial tension melt away.. it was such an incredible experience and i wish you could have been there to see it. Luckily, we got it on video and Ill try and post it to the blog. As we were all leaving the park, many of the girls came up to me, giving my hugs and shaking my hand, and telling me that I could really dance! haha ...its hard to explain what it felt like, but my first jiving experience is something I'll never forget.

Me at Freedom Park!

How to call my SA cell phone using Skype

Here are directions for calling me using skype, compliments of Emily, since she seems to be the only one of you putzes to figure out how to use it.... but I love you all anyway.

go to contacts
add a contact
(put Heather or Bontle or whatever you'd like in the name box under the add a number section)
click on the "Country..." drop-down box and click on "South Africa +27"
then in the box to the right, type in "726979XXX" (email me for the rest of the number if you dont have it yet...)
then click on "Add Number" and it should show up in the Skype contact list

I look forward to hearing your voice!

The Essentials

** Water is back.... in fact, it rained for almost 48 hours straight. At first the water on the tin roof is relaxing, but after 24 hours of constant rain you begin to feel like your at Gitmo during the Bush regime and under some sort of water torture.**

**Now that the water is back the electricity is touch and go. Its favorite time to go out is when I'm in the middle of cooking a scrumptious vegan meal (yes, Daddy, I did just put 'scrumptious' and 'vegan' in the same sentence)**

** Its Winter now in South Africa and its cold... its cold 24/7 because there is not indoor heating anywhere. Its so cold right now I can see my breath inside the house. Bucket baths= no sharp sharp. **

** Respite is on the way in the form of a ten day trip to Cape Town! We are in the planning stages but what i can tell you now is that my chomis and I will be staying in a hippie commune along the way and couch surfing with a gay couple for a few days once we reach our destination. Hippies and gay men are two of my favorite things and they are both about to be in my life again! Ke ithumetse thata! ( Im so happy!) **

Be thankful for running water and indoor heating, beechez,
Heather/Bontle

Oh, the bittersweet fruits of meditation...

On letting go...


Why is letting go so hard? We all hold on to something... someone, some emotion, something in our past, etc. Holding on to thoughts, people, emotions, etc. helps us form identities of who we are and what we are capable of becoming or doing in the future...

The present is the great unknown. Most people say that the future is the great unknown, but actually we do a pretty great job of deceiving ourselves into knowing the future by planning. But you cant deceive yourself into living in the present. Its living in the present that we are most afraid of.

Letting go is difficult because when you let go, you realize there might be more possibilities for your future than you planned for, and you become aware of your self-deception that things would be/could be only one way. So then the future becomes the great unknown again, and now you've realized the present's role in uncovering this and how unknown living in the present is, and you look to the past for comfort in being the one thing you 'know'. Until you realize that even your past isnt that concrete because its all based on your perception, and now that your perception of the future has changed, your perception of the past is likely to change as well.

When all your perceptions and preconceived notions of the past and future break down, that's when you can living in the present. That's when you can let go. That's when you can live... now.

Nala, etc.

Hello All,

This post is dedicated to my wonderful little shit of a dog, Nala. She's getting so big now and I love her so much. She is seriously my best friend here and i dont know what I'd do with out her. We cuddle every night and she mostly stays inside, until she's had all her shots and has been fixed. Everyone , especially my Mma, laughs at me because they think its weird how much i love her and spend so much time taking care of her. Most people here in the villages dont really like animals. They throw rocks at them and feed them next to nothing, if they remember to feed them at all. Dogs are really just kept as guard dogs, not pets.

Afternoon lovebites

In other news, still no water. Things are going spendidly with the lay counselors and I am going to start teaching them about strategic planning next week so they can write their business plan.

Peace Corps approved my vacation leave for Cape Town ! Yaebo!! So in a few weeks Ill be driving to Cape Town with some lovely ol' chaps and stopping along the way to see beautiful things. We are couch surfing for two nights in Cape Town with a gay couple (!!!!) and then staying at a hostel the rest of the nights. I cannot wait to see my chomis and spend a little holiday time with them.

Thats all i really feel like saying right now... I have to go spend some time wiggling my waggles away...

kisskiss- Heather/Bontle

Give me water! Give me life!

Going on 9 days without water... Ke kopa metsi?? Tu?? There's soooo much time to think here, but there seems to be especially more time to think when there's no water. Because after a day or two, when your two lone buckets have run out of water, and you realize the water probably wont return for a while, and who knows when, you have to try and stop living. You feel like you cant eat, because then you need water to cook and you have none. You cant move, because if you do you'll make a mess and you'll need water to clean it up... and you certainly cant move vigorously because then youll be thirsty and perspire, and you'll need water to bathe your stank ass and quench your thirst. You even attempt to will your bowels to stop because you have no water to flush that stupid flush toilet you were so happy to have.... so you just sit... and think.

**Eish, man! After a life time of planning my life in seven year blocks and making lists after list for things you would think you cant even make a list for ( believe me, you can make a list for anything... ive done it) I am finally realizing what major issues i have with living in the present. **

** Self-preservation is something that matters here...I suppose lack of self-preservation is an occupational hazard of the work we are trying to do here, but more of it is needed. Dont even ask me to expand on this one, because I wont do that here ( mostly because Im not really even sure what i mean....**

**When you continually make the same mistake over and over again and the result of that mistake is always a huge pain in your ass (and your heart), does it mean you have masochistic tendencies? Maybe this goes along with the aforementioned thought. Do you ever feel like you are rubber-necking your own train wreck?**

Im learning so much about myself, Its starting to be embarrassing. Maybe the water will come back on soon and I wont feel so confronted with myself....

In other news, Im busying myself this weekend with a business plan for a 'Health Carnival' event me , my supervisor, and a fellow PCV are trying to organize. We've got some great ideas, and we want to even to center around an HIV/AIDS testing drive, but as i write the plan i see some major flaws in it. We want to have the event in August, which is fast approaching, and I think we need at least until October to plan the event. Its not too late to turn things around; we have only had one meeting with interested parties, so hopefully my colleagues will agree with me once they see the details in the business plan and we can reschedule the event... Ill tell you more about the event once all the details get settled.

I a super,super pumped for the group of lay counselors i am helping. We were able to schedule a 5-day lay counselor training program in July with Childline, are fantastic international NGO working on issues such as child abuse/neglect, etc., anything having to do with children's mental health issues. It was their last slot for training for the entire year, so we feel very lucky and excited to have reserved it! We went to meet with the chief ( Kosi) in the village to reserve space at the tribal hall and he is completely behind the volunteers starting the program. We started wish 6 volunteers and needed at least 18 to get the training, and the volunteers have already found 12 people interested in joining us. They are all such wonderful people an incredibly dedicated to starting to program, so Im really happy to have met them and to be a part of what they are doing.

Currently, the Youth Centre isn't' open on Saturdays, which is a huge problem since, well, its a youth centre and that's when the youth has a lot of free time. So opening the youth centre on Saturdays is something i really want to make happen. Before it can open on Saturdays, my supervisor says we mus first have some programs organized. i visited the high school a week ago to introduce myself to some of the students and told them to please come and visit me at the centre and tell me what it is they are interested in doing/learning because we would love to start some programs for the, especially on Saturdays. So this week a boy from the high school came and wants to start a kickboxing program at the youth centre. He's been trying to start a class for a while at different locations but has been turned down for various reasons, so he seems really committed to the idea. I also talked with another volunteer at the centre who teaches yoga about teaching a class on Saturdays, so now all i have to do is find some other volunteers to open the centre with me and we're set to start on Saturdays! I think it will make a big difference to have the centre open on Saturdays, and as time goes on and we get more dedicated volunteers with ideas, we can add on more programs and activities. Ill keep you posted...

May your cup runeth over, where ever you may be,
Heather/Bontle

I couldnt sleep the other night, thinking of all these new projects we are trying to start at the Youth Centre and how we can make them happen, so I called my bestie, Masha, at 3 in the morning and talked for at least an hour. I love talking to my Mashee Moo because she tells me stories and gossip and all the dramatic, emotional sagas going on in Boston, as if I was still there. She doesnt tell me ," oh, you know, nothing really, nothing like your adventures in South Africa." It hurts when people from home say that because the reason Im calling is because I want to know whats going on in your life. And none of it is mundane to me, just because Im here and you're there. I want to know all the details. And just because I've made the decision to live in South Africa for two years doesnt mean that experiences at home are any less important or life changing as mine are here... they're just different. Im not over here saving the world. Im over here for just as many selfish reasons as I am to help people here. And arent we all trying to learn something more about ourselves, see what it is we are capable of doing in this crazy, fucked up world?

I think one thing I'm beginning to learn over here is that we are all so much stronger than we ever let ourselves think we are. When i was talking to Masha, she asked how I was doing and if i was happy. Such complicated questions for me at the moment. I didnt really give a direct answer. i just talked to her about how hard things are here, how impossible some things seem to undertake, and that I want things to be easier... I want me life to be easier. But even as i was telling her these things, i knew it wasnt really how I felt at all. I dont want things to be easier, ever, in my life. I find that sometimes I wish for it but when things get easy, I cant stand it. I feel stagnant and suffocated, like theres no room for me to grow as a person or learn new things about myself and others... and then all I want is for things to shake up again and propel me forward into new beginnings, new lessons, new people, new relationships, new struggles.

So i dont know why I continually wish things to be easier. But Im starting to think that maybe its becuase I havent trusted enough in the strength i have to make it though.. not only make it through, but learn something and be a more complete me, if that makes sense. We have so many protective mechanisms to hold ourselves together. So many boundaries that help us know who we are. To me, when we know who we are, all we really do is trap ourselves into things we can do and things we cant do, beliefs, values, and people we can relate to, and those that we will never even come close to understanding. Knowing everything about yourself makes it very difficult to learn new things. I dont want things to be easy, and i hope i never know who i am. I hope to only ever see glimpses of these things, that I can constantly be pushed forward to learn and understand as many things around me as possible.

I love you all.
kisskiss- Heather/Bontle