I couldnt sleep the other night, thinking of all these new projects we are trying to start at the Youth Centre and how we can make them happen, so I called my bestie, Masha, at 3 in the morning and talked for at least an hour. I love talking to my Mashee Moo because she tells me stories and gossip and all the dramatic, emotional sagas going on in Boston, as if I was still there. She doesnt tell me ," oh, you know, nothing really, nothing like your adventures in South Africa." It hurts when people from home say that because the reason Im calling is because I want to know whats going on in your life. And none of it is mundane to me, just because Im here and you're there. I want to know all the details. And just because I've made the decision to live in South Africa for two years doesnt mean that experiences at home are any less important or life changing as mine are here... they're just different. Im not over here saving the world. Im over here for just as many selfish reasons as I am to help people here. And arent we all trying to learn something more about ourselves, see what it is we are capable of doing in this crazy, fucked up world?

I think one thing I'm beginning to learn over here is that we are all so much stronger than we ever let ourselves think we are. When i was talking to Masha, she asked how I was doing and if i was happy. Such complicated questions for me at the moment. I didnt really give a direct answer. i just talked to her about how hard things are here, how impossible some things seem to undertake, and that I want things to be easier... I want me life to be easier. But even as i was telling her these things, i knew it wasnt really how I felt at all. I dont want things to be easier, ever, in my life. I find that sometimes I wish for it but when things get easy, I cant stand it. I feel stagnant and suffocated, like theres no room for me to grow as a person or learn new things about myself and others... and then all I want is for things to shake up again and propel me forward into new beginnings, new lessons, new people, new relationships, new struggles.

So i dont know why I continually wish things to be easier. But Im starting to think that maybe its becuase I havent trusted enough in the strength i have to make it though.. not only make it through, but learn something and be a more complete me, if that makes sense. We have so many protective mechanisms to hold ourselves together. So many boundaries that help us know who we are. To me, when we know who we are, all we really do is trap ourselves into things we can do and things we cant do, beliefs, values, and people we can relate to, and those that we will never even come close to understanding. Knowing everything about yourself makes it very difficult to learn new things. I dont want things to be easy, and i hope i never know who i am. I hope to only ever see glimpses of these things, that I can constantly be pushed forward to learn and understand as many things around me as possible.

I love you all.
kisskiss- Heather/Bontle